Well, I need to be honest here.
We are struggling. I am struggling.
I have made no secret that life has been rough for quite some time. Probably about 18months or so. Maybe even before that. I have lost track of time.
I am finding myself crying out in desperation.
Our house is beyond messy...I think it's actually eating us up. The clutter is atrocious. We can't even move in our basement right now. Our bedroom is becoming equally as bad.
I am not sleeping at night. I think I am sleeping, but I wake up feeling like I never did. Something is not right in my mind. I seriously cannot focus on anything and I feel utterly exhausted by the time the kids get on the bus and I get Ash to preschool at 9am. I feel entirely worthless all day just b/c I am so tired. I know I am tired b/c I don't fuel my body well, b/c I am still nursing a "baby" every 3 hours, b/c I am trying to give too much of myself to others, while not taking care of myself, I beat myself up with guilt for so many things (why am I not a better mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter). I feel I should get way more done in a day, but by the end of it I have nothing to show...I'm not even sure my kids are fed well or bathed or had a good, happy day. I am feeling very disheveled.
I pray at night for peace on all this. That peace hasn't come.
I know I am blessed/lucky/whatever you want to call it. I have healthy kids, I am healthy, I have a husband who will do anything for me. But I somehow put the weight all on my shoulders and expect I can do it all and when I don't, I feel very unaccomplished every.single.day. I am worn out at the ultimate level right now. I can't even tell you. I want to honestly just have a big bulldozer crush our home and start all over and never let it get this bad again. It's just overshadowing my life. But at the same time I want to overlook it all and focus on what really matters...my kids, my husband, my family/friends. I want the people to be what I spend my time with. I know this. But, I can't seem to focus on any of this and feel good about it.
Help!
Kev and I talked tonight about making some major changes. I'm talking about him working some weekends coming up so that he can take off during the week and we can dig into this mess together (w/o kids home!) and wade out of this atrocity. Please pray we make some good decisions about all this and stay strong. It is not going to be easy. And just pray for my peace of mind. It really is bad now. I usually love October b/c it's not a stressful month for us and I am a mess now. I dread Dec showing up b/c that is always the month that stresses me and I really wanted to enjoy that month with it being Logan's 1st Christmas and birthday. I need to find some peace now and I pray God will bring it soon :) And I really just want to sit a couple days a week...and hold my baby...and maybe eat some bon bons...is that so wrong???!!! :)
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Well, these pics are long overdue...they are from the IN State Fair almost a month ago...but better late than never...I know my mom especial... -
...school is back in session. Pinch me now. Where in the world did our summer go? Obviously we left it in the dust and now it's back ... -
Why not take on a new instrument today?! 😬
6 comments:
Oh honey, I am SURE you are not alone in these feelings! Reality is, YOU HAVE 5 KIDS!!!! And one being a BABY under 1!!! Your expectations are impossible, to have it all (unclutered house,time to do everything you have in your mind..etc, etc)You barely have the time to get the kids to their ONE extra carricular activity!
Number 1) there is your health and eating habits...that needs to be addressed so you are able to function as a MOM!!( alot of depression and feelings you are having can be caused by lack of fuel in your body!)...important also is making sure your kids are eating properly and getting the nutrients they need...with you not really caring about eating, I fear food and healthy eating habits may not be a part of their makeup either?!
Number 2) I do believe if you could unclutter your home..you would feel 100% better...it is closing in on you and making it hard to function efficiently! I think that is an excellent idea to possibly have Kevin be home a couple days during the week, to declutter..from my experience trying to help you declutter, it needs to be YOU TWO doing it..to make the decisions on what stays and what goes and JUST DO IT!!!!..and I believe if you just did a little bit each week and made a point of putting things back in their place..clothes in closets or drawers, etc...it could become a better place to live!
As far as your kids being HAPPY!!??? THEY are!!! They are awesome kids and you are the most wonderful MOM and make things fun and you keep on top of everything! I would just focus on those 2 things...healty eating, decluttering..(AND get good sleep at night!!) Shut that brain off of yours, stop being so hard on yourself and just do what you can each day and dont beat yourself up over what doesnt get done!!!!!!If you need to talk with someone( a councelor)to sort out your thoughts, call your church and make an appnt! There is no shame in getting help!!
I love you very much and the stress you are putting on yourself is not good for you or for your family!!!
PLUS get those wonderful kiddos to help with the cleaning and decluttering!!! I know its better to have them gone when throwing out toys, etc..BUT they can put things away in their own rooms!AND Shelby and Hays and even Dylan are capable of actually cleaning up after themselves..now Ash, there is a different story!! hahaha She simply does NOT CARE!!! :):) I can just picture her face when I tried to get her to clean up and sort things..not happening!! :)
You know the issues( and even the answers for the most part!)...its just finding the time and following thru! Love you my sweet daughter! Mom
Mama Gritz, you are a wise woman. I can see how Kelly turned out so great! :)
Kelly, I know you know this, but you and I are soul mates. ;) Everything you wrote, I have felt. And your mom is right. Taking care of YOU is priority Numero Uno. I wasn't great at heeding the advice I was given when I was in the pit, but what I was told was right on. Get out for a walk a couple of times a week. Alone, with some calming music when you need to relax, and some upbeat music when you need to burn off steam. My favorite Pandora station is the Selah one...so worshipful and calming. Walk with Kevin if you need to decompress and share some thoughts. Hayley can handle the younger ones for a half hour, right?
The other thing I immediately thought of was counseling. I'm back in it again myself, this time for the anxiety I'm dealing with. It is so beneficial to have someone objective listen to you share your thoughts and feelings, and point you in the right direction for help. I would be picky about who you go to...definitely a Christian, and preferably a woman (not saying that men aren't good counselors for some issues, but I wanted to remove the temptation for another man to become an emotional support to me for a long term problem). If medication is brought up as an option, be open to it. It's not a cure-all, but is one part of the whole puzzle that can help.
Please know that you are stronger than you think. You are beautiful, compassionate, and precious. I love you, sister!!!
Oh Kelly, I feel like I could sit down and cry with you right now! I wish I lived closer so I could help you and watch the kiddos. I know my kids would love that. Hang in there, we all love you! You are a great Mom!
You accomplish way more than I do and I only have 2 kids!
That is IT! Call me sis!!! I know you feel like you have no time, but call me. I am home most nights after 5:30 your time, except this week when I will be out Thursday and Friday. Time for a sister-to-sister talk. I never know what time is good to call you so call me...my schedule seems to be more flexible. Love ya.
Kelly, not sure if hiring someone (my aunt Connie does this for a living and lives in Val-p) to help you dig out is a financial option for you?
If you are not sleeping well it will effect ALL OTHER AREAS OF YOUR LIFE. Make sure you are getting sleep (even if you need medical help to get it!)
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